Hello all, this week’s Friday post will have a bit of a different feel to it. The past couple of Fridays, I had laid out some goals and my progress on those goals. However, this week I was not good with my goals. Rather than go in-depth on that, I want to open up a little bit about my past and expound on why I am pursuing this personal wellness journey. I’ll return to the goals I’ve outlined (especially as I work to become more action oriented), but for now I’ll explain a little bit about my history with social anxiety and communication.
The struggle to make friends
For as long as I have conscious memories, I have been shy and reserved. This has made it difficult for me to put myself out there. I remember in early grade school at recess, I’d often wander the playground alone. I did not particularly enjoy this, and I remember peers would sometimes come up and ask me what I was doing. I would say something along the lines of “I’m looking for a friend to play with.”
When I look back this, I can’t really explain the nervousness I felt. I don’t think that it crossed my mind that the people asking those questions very well could have become the friend that I wanted to play with. I did not understand how to make friends, and I had a constant fear that people would judge me. This made me very reserved.
I also had the impression that making friends “just happened.” After all, it didn’t seem like something that other people had to think about. It looked natural. Lost to me was the fact that even if it came naturally, and without thought to others, they still had to put themselves out there and take risks to make friends.
High school was the hardest
Admittedly, I am now quite a few years removed from high school. However, there are memories that still linger with me today. The little kid that was “looking for friends to play with” on the playground, became the teen eating alone at lunch and simply hoping to get through the lunch period without someone throwing food at me or making fun of me.
There is so much to unpack here. That is beyond the scope of this post. I would say a big takeaway for me though, is that I didn’t address the issues from earlier in grade school. Personal development was not on my mind, and therefore my problems compounded when I got to high school. I expected a fix to just happen.
Ending on a positive note
This was another raw and very real post. This is the most vulnerable that I have felt blogging so far. I wanted to share experiences for others who may have gone through something similar, and to know that they are not alone. I also wanted to provide a little more context of where I am coming from, and what I am trying to accomplish.
With all of that being said, I would like to end on a positive note. College, for the most part, has been a really good experience for me. In fact, in the past year or so I have made 3 friends. I am still navigating how to be the best friend possible and to nurture those relationships, but none the less I am so happy that these people are in my life. Talking more about these experiences can be the subject for another post, but I again wanted to share that even if making friends has been difficult for you in the past, that the possibility still exists in adulthood. There are people out there that want to get know you, but that still requires putting yourself out there. Which is challenging.
However, there are people and resources out there to help. I can’t recommend therapy or coaching enough. I do not have all of the answers, far from it. The beginning of my transformation can be traced back to starting therapy. I started therapy at the age of 18, after high school. I wish had started sooner. That is in fact some of the advice I’d give to the younger me. It is okay to need to talk someone. It really is.
In all, I really do want to end on a positive note and say that I have made a lot progress. This doesn’t mean I’m where I want to be, and that is the impetus for Making my Mark on the world. However, in the past year, the little kid that was “looking for a friend to play with” at recess has managed to make valuable friendships.
As always, lets end the Friday post with a cute animal picture.
Dogs can provide such joy and happiness!
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